Funerals

Weddings and funerals are a big deal in Japan. If a coworker or a coworker's family member gets married, while you may not get an invitation to the ceremony and/or celebration, more than mere congratulations is expected. And if a coworker or a coworker's family member dies, words of consolation aren't enough. Attendance at the funeral is highly encouraged if not expected. So when I arrived at school today to learn that the father of the 3-3 (3rd grade/3rd class) teacher suddenly passed away last Thursday night/Friday morning, I wondered what was expected of me, considering that I'm a foreigner and don't know all the formalities of paying my respects.

If the funeral had been held during the weekend, all the staff of my school would have been expected to attend. However, because the "prayer" funeral was today and the "real" funeral is tomorrow (if I correctly understood the distinctions as explained by the teacher who sits next to me), not all teachers are expected to attend due to work conflicts. So one teacher from each grade went as a grade representative to today's prayer funeral, taking with them the offerings of ¥3,000 (about $40) from each teacher who is unable to attend either funeral. (I believe the money is used to offset part of the cost of the funeral. And the same practice occurs for weddings, only the amount each person gives is significantly higher.) And another small group of teachers will attend the second funeral service that occurs tomorrow.

I asked the teacher who informed me about the death and explained to me the funereal customs if I should go to the funeral. Since I am a Christian, she said, and the funeral will be a Buddhist ceremony, she told me that I didn't have to go. However, as I wanted to offer my sympathy to my coworker and her family as well as witness a Buddhist-style funeral, I told here that while I wouldn't participate in the actual ceremony I would still like to go. Unfortunately, she didn't respond to my comment, which, having lived here for almost a year and a half, I understood to be a polite way of declining my suggestion. So all I could do was offer my ¥3,000, which just doesn't seem to be enough.

Until next time...

**UPDATE (10/6/11): Waiting at my desk for me when I arrived at school on Tuesday was a recognition gift from the 3-3 teacher's family for my ¥3,000 condolences -- ocha (green tea), nori (baked seaweed sheets), and saké (rice wine). So I asked my next-desk teacher who had told me about our coworker's father's death how to say my sympathies in Japanese for when the teacher would return to school next week. Unfortunately, she told me it would be too difficult to do politely. (I'm not sure if she meant that it would be too difficult for her to teach or for me to learn/say.) Needless to say, I was a little frustrated by this response; so I planned to ask one of the teachers at my Japanese class that night how to express my condolences. But I forgot. So I was surprised and felt unprepared when I saw the 3-3 teacher at school today. Since I could say nothing in Japanese, I told her, in English, how sorry I was and asked if she and her family needed any help. When she looked at me quizzically, I explained the U.S. custom of bringing food to the home of the bereaved and told her that if she needed help, I would like to make some food for her family on the condition that they were okay with American food, to which she laughed. It certainly wasn't the concerted Japanese-style interaction I'd been hoping to have. But when communicating inter-culturally, I've learned to take whatever successes come, regardless of their profundity.